To thine own self be true.

nitoria @ 2009-02-08T21:39:00

2009-02-09T02:49:29Z

So, yeah, I know I have been out of the game with posting for the past four months. I have had a lot on my plate and posting has been one of those things that I just haven't been up to doing when I finally get a chance to breath. For those who want to know how I am you already do.

Anyway, I just wanted to post to say hi to everyone who is out there and that I may still be a stranger on here for another four months, but hey its the once in awhile that counts in the long run with these posts.

I have gotten married to the most wonderful man in the world, and life is good even though there is no job yet for my hubby. I did not marry him for money; I married for love. The good and the bad times, and even though we are both worried we are happy. I am happier than I have ever been. Go figure.

Baby should be here by the C-section date which is March 2nd. Yes it is almost that time and I am at that point where I want him out now! I do however want to go to Convocation first so he has to stay in there till at least the 23rd. Bake DAMN YOU! Sometimes you can just tell when they are underdone. Either way we are both hoping for a healthy, happy, normal baby.

School is good. House is almost done getting put together which is tedious at best.

GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-14T22:55:44Z

For any of you who know me you all know that I am dating Dave aka Skippy. Well we have decided to move in together at the end of his lease which WAS in November. Yes I said was. Now his apartment complex is willing to let him go as soon as August 15th! OMG!

I am worried because this is big, and so excited because he is an awesome man who accepts me for who I am and loves me for who I am. He wants to be a family with me... something that was missing out of his last relationship for him as well as my own... along with trust. We are scared of fucking this up, and of not listen to each other when its obviously the only way to have a good relationship and that is lost on so many.

We are going to try to stay within the area so Hunter doesn't have to worry about school, which shouldn't be an issue as of right now because this area is school of choice and I will be working less than a minute from the school.

OH AND WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are both starting new lives together. The gods bless us.

Here is mine

2008-06-27T02:44:43Z

* Post 3 things you've done in your lifetime that you don't think anybody else on your friends list has done.
* See if anybody else responds with "I've done that." If they have, you need to add another! (2.b., 2.c., etc...)
* Have your friends cut & paste this into their journal to see what unique things they've done in their life.

1. I punched my mother in the face when I was 10.
2. I am a High Priestess of a coven.
3. I lived in Germany from the ages of 3 to 7.

nitoria @ 2008-06-12T23:55:00

2008-06-13T03:55:51Z

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad. When you're finished, if you so desire, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

Refusing To Stand By And Watch

2008-06-12T02:47:54Z

Persephone stepped out of her house and into the night knowing exactly where she was going. Swiss wasn't expecting her for at least another couple of hours so she had some time before patrols. Her summer dress sighed as she entered into her peace of shit Ford Focus and made her way into town. She had not slept well throughout the day as she had been pondering the issues that had nagged at her over the past couple of days. Then she had to figure out how to approach someone that had become unstable. She stopped in front of the Ink and Quill taking a breath as she prepared for the confrontation she had been dreading. She gave herself a once over as she forged the steel for what she was about to do. She had an idea of what John was capable of, and if that was any inclination of what he could actually do she could be dead before the sun came up. She made her way through the entrance to see him sitting at the counter... where Susan should have been. He looked up when the bell chimed and his expression was a grimace combined with a smile.
"Well you could at least look at me as though you were glad to see me."
"I apologize Persephone. I haven't been myself lately."
John looked up at her and a moment of doubt crossed her mind. "That's what I have come to talk to you about John."
He arched his eye brows and squared his shoulders. "I see."
"John, close the shop up so we can talk please."
She watched him and saw the battle raging in his mind on whether he would oblige her. He walked around the counter coming so close to her that she had to fight the urge to step back. He made his way to the door and switched the sign over after locking the door. He was challenging her to see how serious she was about this. He could be nervous about what she wanted to talk to him about. He led the way to his office and closed the door behind her. The office was a disaster. Books, paper, bills and a number of other oddities were strewn all over the place. Did John think that Susan's OCD was that strong that she would feel it from hundreds of miles away? John sat down on the edge of his desk and Persephone stood in front of him.
"John, what is wrong with you?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Alright, I am just going to come out and say it. You're being a douche."
John's eyes became slits of color in his face. "Excuse me?"
Here it goes. "You are acting completely opposite of the John I know. You are telling secrets out of turn, talking out your ass, being another lap dog in the line that Anne has cavorting behind her, but above all you are letting people down."
She didn't even have time to blink. John threw her up against the door to his office, grabbed her by her hair and brought a pen to her jugular. His eyes were glowing embers and his fangs were bared to her. She braced herself to die.
John pulled back his hand to thrust it into her when he noticed that Persephone didn't even flinch. She had expected this from him, and that thought stayed his hand. The anger was too intense just to back away so he gave her hair a pull as he growled. He wasn't even keeping up the Masquerade anymore. He wasn't breathing in, or keeping to the show he presented to the world of his human side. Right now she was face to face with the monster hidden behind the humanity of John.
"John, I would not have come here if it wasn't important. If I wasn't your friend."
He growled again but said nothing.
"You are losing what makes you great among the kindred. You are unique and that is why Anne, Adam and the rest of the kindred want to beat you down. If you want to be like Anne that's fine, but you are better than that John. You outed the only person you have graced with your approval and the only one that you call friend. You didn't even warn her. You sold her out because of Anne. You have fought this long to prove and show that you are going to maintain who you are, and now you are giving up, and its apparent. You need to fight!"
He brought her to his lips so that he could speak in her ear, but not before he let his fangs graze her shoulder and neck. His voice was a whisper of what it normally was wrapped in the echo of the growl. "I have tasted her blood three times Persephone."
She tilted her head the best she could with him holding her hair. She didn't understand right away. He had told her about this a few months back. She heard the whispers of their conversation come to the surface as she searched for the meaning to his dilemma.
He watched her, trying to keep the beast at bay. It was not patient, but he was and he knew that the Prince had taught her nothing. She would come to it within a matter of seconds, and he was right. He watched her eyes grow large as the understanding came down upon her.
"Oh, God, John. I am sorry man, but you gotta keep fighting or everything you have inspired to be will be for nothing."
"Then I will have an eternity of fighting." The growl stirred something inside her that she locked down.
"Do you want to lose respect and be seen as weak?"
"Everyone already sees me as weak, and I have already lost the respect of Swiss."
"Well do you want to know what I see?"
His eyes flickered for a moment but went back to red. "If I say no you would still tell me."
"You have the backing of an Archon because you are you. You are holding on to the humanity within you, and your ideals, and that appeals to people in power who can still respect those traits. Not only that, but because of your humanity you show respect when it is deserved and give it as well. Emil, the Elder, respects and likes you enough to let you in and give you warning that he has had enough. That fucking speaks volumes man."
John's eyes flicker again and this time they go back to their original color. He let her go and turns tossing the pen on the pile of papers he called a desk. He grabs the back of one of the chairs and the groaning of wood being gripped to hard sounded in the room.
"John, do you remember what Emil said about true love?"
He nodded but said nothing.
"What if everyone is breaking you down because they feel that your humanity may bring about that tragedy for everyone again? If the possibility is open to anyone it would be you. Yeah, you have an eternity of fighting ahead of you, and living to find the holy grail among our kind is worth eternity. You, of the beautiful ideals and wonderful insight. You see us as something worth fighting for, to make our world better, and now I am asking you to do what any writer would give their back teeth for."
"What's that?" came out as a whisper.
"Eternity to find what all the artists in the world paint about, sing about and write about. You have the one thing that they do not, and that is time. The kin have been all over you since they found out that you are different. They have tried to destroy the man you want to be. Any of our kin who could look beyond their own needs and see someone else's could not only gain your eye but they would look at you as well."
John, turned to her with a questioning look, and if she had been able to blush she would have. She had lost her backbone at that, and couldn't find the words to clarify her statement.
"Leave me. Please. Persephone."
She nodded and tried to find a way to say good bye, but still found her tongue dead in her mouth. As she heads out of the office she hears something she would not have expected.
"Thank you."
As she rounds the corner she smiles and nods.

The Battle

2008-06-09T19:03:29Z

Well, I am here to tell you that when it rains it pours... with 70 mile an hour winds and rains so epic that the sump pump cant keep up and it floods your room and destroys your shit! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Anyway, my boyfriends car got the back window smashed in, along with a really deep dent in the side, by a falling branch. His car saved mine... it could have been much worse as the branch was huge and most of it fell on the ground.

My room has been sucked out... with a suction vac. My carpet is still pretty wet and I have fans going but its not helping much. Now we have to get a mold spore fogger that will keep it from mildewing. *sigh* Like I don't have enough to do. Not only that but I was almost done getting the damn area all put together. *shakes fist at oncoming clouds* Not to mention I woke up with the worst shoulder and neck pain. OMGEEEEEEEEEEEEE! It's bad... I took some awesome stuff for it and all it did was make me feel sort of loopy. Oh, well.

I hope everyone else faired well.

Been awhile

2008-06-05T22:43:45Z

So, yeah, it has been a bit since I lasted posted something but there was finals for my classes (all 3.5's and above thank you), then I started spring cleaning the upstairs, and then I started on my room where I have not put a damn thing away, or together, since I have moved in almost a year ago. Yeah, I know, bad Nikki. However, there were a lot of things that were more important and worthy of being focused on, and my awesome new relationship was one of them. I focused on what I thought was important.

Been a little out of it lately and mostly because this time last year, and till about October, was a time I would rather forget. Unfortunately, I do not have the pleasure of remembering how to suppress my memories anymore like I did when I was younger. Also, I need to remember so that I can learn from them. In no way, shape or form is my happiness at this point in time lacking at all, rather it is the pain from the past that is suffocating me and it is fresh enough to still cause blisters.

My oldest is out of school as of today for the summer. Yay for him, boo for me. I love my son don't get me wrong, but I have so much to do that I really don't want him to get in the way. Plus, I have stopped smoking, again, and do not want to take the crazy out on him from the lack of that oh, so wonderful toxin. Day four... yay me.

Started writing again. Let's see how long it is before Dave will have to fix my computer... again. Finished chapter five, and what is nice is Dave is going to edit it for me. I am going to publish this bitch if it kills me. My mom has demanded from me my book finished and published by her next birthday. Damn her... she knew if she asked me that way I would do everything in my power to make sure it was done by then.

My baby has four teeth coming in last time I saw him and he was the devil. No, I am not kidding. He was so bi-polar last week I think he even got himself confused. His father made a statement that Aidan was that way because of me. I hate him. I don't understand why it is that he has to put me down in these little stabs every now and then when all I do is try to maintain the peace?

Taking Dave to meet my mother for the first time. *bites lip* To tell you the truth I am afraid. I am sure she will like him that isn't what I am afraid of. My mother is an alcoholic who can't get away from men who are, and who treat her children like crap. I am afraid of being mortified by my mothers habit, which makes her say and do stupid shit. My mother and I have never had a mother daughter relationship and I can tell her she is being a stupid bitch when she is... I just don't want to deal with that.

Alright, I think that is it. As my son says... PEACE!

Woman moment

2008-04-30T16:34:27Z

Alright... so I am going to have a complete and total girl moment. For those that know my balance between the male mind and the woman heart, I am sliding into the woman heart for a bit.

I am happier than I can remember being in years. The worry is at an all time low when it comes to my relationship with Dave... more so than any relationship I have ever had. This is more wonderful than I actually thought a real relationship could ever be. He is more charming than he gives himself credit for, and he has made it his mission to make me blush as much as possible.

My fears about fucking up have all but tripled because I see what I have and its good. I mean really good. I see his faults and call him out on them as much he does mine and that is wonderful! You know why? Because it means its real. There are no rose colored glasses. We have seen each other at our worst over the past six months and I have no reason to hide the worse from him. We do not agree on everything and we debate quite frequently, and there is no reason to conform to the other persons way of thinking. It's great to not have to change your way of thinking because it pisses the other person off! He likes who I am the way I am and I him. We exasperate each other a lot, but in the end we just smile and shrug and move on to the next topic.

He is wooing me after the one day break up. I know that doesn't sound like much, but when you have your heart torn out, and the person still wants to be your friend, and you want to see them because you love them, it is like nails pounded into your heart. That twenty-four hours seemed like days especially when you know in your gut it isn't right. Any who, there has been wooing. To tell you the truth, I really like it. No one I have ever been with has done this and its great. I feel really off about accepting it because I just don't think that I am worth it, but of course that is a issue Dave has been working on with me.

There hasn't been but one day that there has not been flowers in my vase. He has taken me to dinner, bought me my favorite movie that we had seen together. He even picked up my favorite dish when he went out to eat one day and brought it back to me. There have been little woos here and there like watermelon that he bought and I devoured. (sorry baby) I guess the biggest woo for me was... This past weekend was not how we planned. I got a call that my youngest sons father had been arrested, including his wife, and that I need to get my baby. I didn't panic, well maybe a little, and he got right up and said are we going? He helped me get around and ready, and left with me to get my baby. I don't know if he knows how much I appreciate it, but that was a big woo for me. My children are the most important part of me, and Dave has become more comfortable with them. That makes me happy.

I am on cloud nine for the most part, and he makes me very happy. I don't know where it will go from here, but I am grateful to see that men are not what I have been dating but who I have in my life now.

I think thats enough of a woman moment for one day.

YES!

2008-04-15T05:12:23Z

(Later that night)

    Persephone entered her home locking down the house like she normally did. She made her way through the dark of her home and made her way upstairs to her bedroom. She turned on the bedroom light and could no longer hold herself back. She let out a squeal so loud it could have shattered glass, and spun on the balls of her feet a couple of times with her arms extended out to her sides then let herself fall upon the bed. The bed bounced her up and she came back down onto the soft comforter with a sigh. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the feeling of the fabric under her fingers and for a brief moment aloud herself to forget what she was.
    Everything was working out just as she wanted it. A big step happened tonight to her main goal and she was jumping inside. If her heart still lived she would have believed it to be that, but she knew it was the excitement at what had transpired through the evening.   She had her way in, and they had no clue of what they had done. Oh, what a tangle web we weave unless you are the spider and then you know every strand and every drop of dew upon the fiber.
    Persephone looked at the ceiling and basked in the glow of triumph until she heard Adam in her head. She sat up and shook her head to clear it and her long dark hair became tangled around her face. She stood up and stripped turning off the light as she made her way to the bed. Slipping into the covers she went over what Adam had said to her. He was going to ask her to kill and she really didn't want to think about it. Killing in order to survive was one thing, and she was prepared to do it but to kill on someones whim went against something inside of her.
    Rolling over she went over the nights events and her thoughts kept on floating back to John. She needed to talk to him. She needed him to help her with keeping... with keeping her from losing herself. She needed to learn, and keep her eyes opened and her ears clear. She would make herself more wanted than John and she would learn... oh, yes she thought as she felt the pull of the sun on her senses, she would learn.
    She slept.

Playing with her food

2008-04-09T19:30:12Z

    Persephone looked out into the night from the top floor of her home. It was darker in her home than outside; even with the storm coming in. This place had once been her grandparents home, but they had left it to her in their last will and testament. Them leaving her their home was probably their way of saying they were sorry for not taking her after her parents died. They had died a year ago in a head on collision, and she had gained a sanctuary. A street lamp, illuminating very little in the night sky, fizzled out. It was two in the morning. Nothing stirred in the neighborhood. Michigan was becoming a ghost state, and she was just one of the ghosts.
    "I have learned many interesting things over the past few weeks. John is not as weak as everyone sees him to be, and has a steel inside him that I have to admire. I hate playing the innocent roll with these immortals, but it must be done. I must learn more. I cannot let them see what my plan is. Yes, I have a plan."
    She opened the locket she wore around her neck to look at the pictures of her mother and father. She felt a stab of guilt at the thought of them waiting for her in whatever heaven they went to, and wondered if they knew that they would never see her.
    "If I am going to live as a vampire there is no way I am going to do bidding for decades on end. I need to learn, see, understand, and once I do... John knows that I have underlying motives. Friendship isn't one of them... but a comrade is what I want. I wonder how long I will have to do this?"
    Thunder rolled in the distance and she could see lighting flash across the sky. Lansing was going to get pummeled.
    "I hate playing the innocent girl. There has never been anything innocent about me. I am just waiting until I learn the skills that I need and then... then it will be what I need it to be. John's sire irritates me... I like her, but something in me wants to tear her heart out and present it at the next Elysium. Do I fear her? Can you believe she asked me that?"
    She let out a chuckle that the thunder drowned out. Persephone turned to talk directly to her company.
    "I fear nothing. Not death, not torture, and certainly not her. Not anyone. I have nothing in this world that keeps me here. I handed out my vengaence, and I sold my soul for it. Adam played me like a fucking fiddle and that was my own stupidity. I hate him. I should have gone on to the next life. Now if I die I will be playing tic-tac-toe with my internal organs with the devil for eternity. Damn catholic background..."
    Persephone looked at the person she was talking to and anger seared through her as she quickly walked the couple of steps to the person and smacked them as hard as she could. The woman she had bound to a kitchen chair, so she wouldn't fall over, lifted her head up and looked at her all glassy eyed and then closed them.
    "You're not listening to me!" she hissed. "Don't you understand that you are all I have to vent to at this moment? I am planning out my afterlife and you just sit there and drool all over yourself."
    She turns and goes back to the window and feels the rain touch her skin through the screen. She would breath in the smell of it, but that in itself would give her no pleasure anymore.
    "I want Adam to die for what he did to me. I shouldn't have said yes. I should have just died, and I was weak. It wasn't fear either, it was my god damn pride. It was my need to stuff the balls of those men down there throats and watch them choke on them. It was quiet pleasant really. That's not the point though... He waited for the rape, knew it was coming, and waited for everyone to leave... I know he did."
    There was a chuckle from behind her as the woman talked to herself and laughed. Persephone looked at the woman's small extended belly. Hunger and anger turned inside her as she made her way to the woman.
    "You know hell though don't you girl? That's why you do this..." she said as she grabbed the woman's arms. The bruised track marks made her yearn for her blood and what was inside it. "However, what did your child do to deserve this kind of hell you have put upon it? What you are carrying is a gift, and you have destroyed it with your drugs and selfishness. You do not deserve the gifts of god."
    She went to the window and closed the seamless shutters she had installed throughout her home. Checked the locks on everything... no one was getting in she had made sure of it when she turned. She came back to the woman and straddled her gently placing herself on the woman's lap.
    "I refuse to let your child suffer the pain that his life will be from the destruction of his body with your chemicals. I refuse to let him live with a mother like you."
    Persephone placed her lips next to the woman's ear. "Mother is the name for god on the lips and hearts of all children." She grabbed the woman's hair pulling her head to the side. "I always wanted to say that."
    Then she drank.

Paths

2008-04-05T17:34:22Z

Sometimes we are not as alone as we think we are. We haven't been forgotten by deity, and we have not been shunned. There are times when things must take place in order for the paths of all that are involved to split once again for the choices ahead. I don't know where my path is going, but at least for right now I have someone walking with me. How long our paths are connected I do not know, but I am planning on one enjoyable ride.

Sigh

2008-04-03T14:23:54Z

I don't want the suffering.
I don't want the pain.
I don't want to live
While going insane.
Happiness is gone
All I fear is the spear.
My thoughts are trying
To let my heart not hear.
What is love
To you or to me?
I tell you what it is-
Fucking misery.
There is no hope.
Its lost on the fools
Who walk away
From paradises pool.
There is no one
To blame
I sit and face
The shame.
While I watch those
Who have it
Throw it down...
down, down into the pit.
This isn't right.
It doesn't feel at all
Like I'm supposed to be...
Into the dark I fall.
THIS ISN'T FAIR!
WHAT DID I DO
TO DESERVE SITTING HERE
ALONE...drop, sigh, there goes the other shoe.

Sill

2008-04-02T03:42:17Z

Lighting shoots across the sky
Casting the city in a strobe light
As night turns back to day
In a quick flash of brilliance.
Pressed to the glass
Is a forehead that is connect to a girl
Whose tears are made of
Bitterness and fear.
What is out there beyond the storm
And does it really matter anymore?
Giving everything of yourself in search
Of the same gift is folly.
Beyond the storm is another storm,
More pain and loss,
With nothing to show for the troubles
But a puddle on the sill.
Chances were taken,
Push came to shove,
And in the end there is the forehead
Pressed to the glass
As it has been before.
Hope with foreknowledge of
Results and patterns
That never seem to change
No matter how hard the try.
Hope is Satan's powers
To watch the sheep try again
To find that perfect field.
So the sill is covered in tears
Once again because of hope.
People can not see in a
Different direction except for past.
It drowns them in it
Devouring the men and women
They used to be.
Doesn't matter that they are
Destroying what they could become.
Its all a ploy really...
That word named hope
Just like love, compassion,
And faith... lies.
Lies every single word.
So as the forehead presses
Harder into the glass
The sill wonders
How many more tears
Will it have to bare?

Blabber mouth

2008-03-10T13:08:01Z

So, I have come to a complete and total stalemate in my heart and mind at this point in time. Part of me is yelling at me that I should run and not look back. That at this point in time my efforts to gain something I want is at a stand still. It just ain't happening. Bullshit, says my heart. Just because something isn't happening within the time my mind thinks it should doesn't mean that it is a stalemate. I should cut my losses and walk away my mind interjects.

SHUT UP!!!

Listen, I have gone over everything they have been bickering about back and forth on the subject... confused yet? Don't worry this isn't supposed to make real sense except for me. I want to give up. I want to turn away but I can't. As a writer I see the potential for something beautiful... something great. Just like I know that if I watch long enough in the morning as the sun rises to touch closed flowers that they will lift themselves to the God and take the love that is granted.

What I hate about human nature is that if it is not right now, its not worth it. GRRRRR. Life is supposed to be hard. It's what living, loving and dying is all about. If it was easy there would be no point for our existence. Yeah, I know I complain just as much as the next Dick and Jane, however mentally I know that life is supposed to be a bitch. Now for those who say life is what you make it; I agree, but people who have had it easier than everyone else tend to say that more. NO OFFENSE. Just know that I agree with you and we will agree to disagree on the other things.

I like Kaine. You know why? Because he is right in your face down and dirty. If you other people don't like it then stay out of his way. This man has a good head on his shoulders, but like all of us who help others it is hard to point that finger of perception at ourselves and take the hit. Kaine's good natured, and sometimes his hard loving keeps things real. I am glad to have him in my corner giving me the what-for every now and then. Thanks hun.

Dave (Skippy) Crampton is another who I would take punches from. I hate that he is fucking right a lot. I wont be saying that anytime real soon... again. *wink* This man has had a reasonable life that I envy, but there are a person or two out there who I would like to hex and save him the trouble of being hurt again. After lots of promises I have had to throw up my hands in surrender over no pain or death law he has made me swear to. *wink* However, this man has a good head on his shoulders, a wonderful heart, and good intentions. I have been going through a series of difficult issues with him, because the man makes me look at myself and wants me to do things for myself. When I actually start trying, especially with him, there is this DAMN BRICK WALL! Any who, but the male side of my female mind understands everything he is going through and I want to give him all the time he wants so that there is a chance that there may actually be an us. *sigh* The female side of me is yelling at my understanding, and my cynical side is screaming YEAH RIGHT! However, matters of the heart are always on the verge of Multiple Personality Disorder so I am not real worried. We need to support the Skippy by any means necessary. That is including on my part putting my needs second when it comes to where he and I go in the future. I will take it out of him at a later date. *chuckle*

I have been introduced this morning to Water Joe. I am staring at this bottle and have not taken a drink yet. I wanted you all to be here when I did. Alright here it goes........Tastes like normal tap water. I hate it. On to next random thought.

I bought a cat. For all of those who know me I have wanted one just haven't seen the need to get one. With as much as I move it is kinda pointless, but I did this for me. (Sorry Dave we will make it work with her.) I named her Hecate. If you ever see her and look into her eyes you will know why -for those who know that lovely cross roads goddess. *Minor roll of eyes* She is six years old and I saved her from the Humane Society. She meowed at me like crazy and now am being shunned by her because she has been locked up all day yesterday. Not my fault! She is laid back and real loving, and talks a lot. She sleeps with me at night but stays below chest level so I don't get hair shot up my nose. YAY!

Alright, well I think I am done with the typy-typy. So I love you all and have a good one.

Ending it

2008-02-28T22:32:06Z

    Why do bad things happen? People say that it maintains the karmic balance, or that bad things have to so one appreciates the good. I think that's a load of BS. I don't understand why children have to be affected by such things. There is a number of normal things that each person has to deal with as a child, but when the more horrible of things happens all you can do is ask why.
    It's like babies that are still born, and children that die, or when we find out someone has been molesting your son and you cant get mad, or angry, because someone is doing it to that kid so they are both victims of the same cruel act. I want to go and strangle the kid that touched my son, the one that did things that were done to me as a kid, so that nothing like that can come from that kid again. I want to go and murder the girl who was touching the kid who hurt my child, and I want to find out who started it with her so I can follow it so far back until we find the root of the problem and blow them to fucking kingdom come.
    I want to end it all.

Creatures of habit

2008-02-17T21:50:54Z

    We are all creatures of habit. From what we eat, to how we sleep and how we love. I hate this month with a passion, and even so I have not ignored the love prospect that this month brings to people. On Valentine's Day I cried. Trying to keep myself from crying was completely defeated by the need. This Valentine's was not bad. Could it have been better? Probably. However, what would I have learned? When I love, I love completely. It's always real, always quick and always hard. If a person is with me they know and feel loved.
    I am having an issue with being loved. It's so hard to sit and wait for it happen to you. For love to actually be real, and to be given in truth. Since I have wanted it so bad, and now it's more possible then any of my encounters with it from over the years, I am questioning it's reality. Even the way we except pain, and loss is the same. However, when being handed the gift of a wish come true being a skeptic is a natural reaction.
    I am trying to except the gift that is being handed to me, but will Fate play the game with me as a parent does with a child by dangling what I want in front of me and pulling it away as I go to make a grab for it?

WOW

2008-02-11T01:45:44Z

    Alright, I am going to be a bit sappy in this just so you all know. Fair warning.
    I have come down sick the past couple days due to either allergies, something I ate, or the damn cold thats been circulating. I was taken care of last night. The man that I am seeing left a function that I was at with him, because I was feeling bad. Not only that, but he took me back to his place, let me borrow one of his shirts (hell did doth freeze over) and let me lay down with my head in his lap and fall asleep.
    Now, to some of you this may not seem like such a big deal, but to me this meant more to me then I think he could even understand. My heartbroke a little, and not in the bad way. He broke down one of my walls and all I wanted to do was cry in his lap. Almost did. I don't get taken care of. I can't even remember the last time someone took care of me when I was ill, because I am always alone. I force myself not be sick so that I can take care of my children. Well, I had no one to take care of this weekend, and he took care of me.
    That was the most amazing feeling in the world. He was so proud of himself because I let him help me...I let down my guard. Yes, this scared me. Yes, this was against everything I try to present to people who meet me. Yes, I feel like I showed the side that wanted to be nurtured, cared for, and loved.
    I let you in Dave. I trusted you. I believed in you, and I don't regret it for a minute. I love you, and thank you. What you did for me was not small, and I will let you take care of me any time. (not that I am hoping that I am sick a lot...smile) This was important to me, and wanted to share it with who ever reads my posts. You are a wonderful man.

Endings and Beginnings

2008-01-31T14:19:25Z

    So, there is something up in the world. Chaos is consuming everyone and everything. I'm watching as the people in my life are fighting demons that they have refused to face last year coming and haunting them now. The man I care about more than anything is fighting demons from his past triggered by present events and I can't help him. Two of my friends are fighting the demon of each other caused by things from their past and neither of them knowing how to talk to one another. Both of my sisters are fighting things from their past, and whether the outcome turns out well still remains to be seen.
    Me? I have a big one coming at the end of February...something from my past that I refused to face because technically the day has not come about for me to have to face it. I want to cry, I want to hide, and I don't want anyone to find me. I hate that this is a weakness. I should have overcome my fear with this already, but I can't. The biggest betrayal in this world is the pain caused to you by the ones you care about and are supposed to care about you. When they harm you it's like something in you doesn't understand the logic of it. The mind goes fuzzy and nothing really makes sense for a while. Especially when it's a betrayal of the body...
    I hate February...Bad things happen to me in this month... Valentines is the biggest shit day I know of... I have never had a good Valentines... wait I did once when I was 17 and that was the last time I remember a good one. Most of mine there is break ups, pain, fights... I just want one to be simple... you know. Flowers, dinner, a movie...without damn drama! With Dave I have had those moments, but lately it seems so fleeting... not really because of us but what is going on around us. I really don't want to lose him over past shit and drama in our lives and the people around us. He is to important to me, to special, and if in the end it is his choice to go then so be it, but I want him to go because of it not clicking with us not the world coming in and sucking the lives out of us...and not because of the past.

Maybe

2008-01-20T22:13:48Z

    So, I have this little voice in my head that has been telling me not to get to comfortable with my life and the direction it is going. You see, I like the direction my life is going. I am back in school, I have a good place to live where I am appreciated and a really great guy who treats me well. My kids are doing well, and I am losing weight. Things are going real well, and that right there is what is the issue. In my life when things go well it means that something is going to go wrong, and it's usually big.
    Now, I am not trying to sabotage my life. I know what happens and it is the same thing every time. No, self fulfilling prophecy or anything. Trust me I do not on any level want more drama in my life. However, this does happen. Every time! Usually it has to deal with love in my life. Whether it is family, children or significant other.
    I am asking the man I've fallen for to take on a ready made family and to accept this. Do I want him to commit? Yeah, but I will wait until he is ready and just enjoy him and his presence in my life. My fear is that he is going to look at me and say you have made really big shoes to fill by being with you. I have done so much on my own, and especially with my children. Being alone for six years tends to do that. I could understand his fear with this, but he also doesn't know if he wants children and I have two. He wants to go I will understand. I wont make him stay against his will, but if this happens... I will have to figure out if I want to keep going on with trying to find someone or become permanently single.
    My home life is good except for the people I live with fight all the time. If something happens to where they slit up there is another life change as I try to figure out how I am going to keep me and my kids from being homeless. Failing school is not an option for me, but hey it could happen.
    I hate being afraid that something is going to come falling around my head, but it always does. Maybe this time...maybe this time life will be different. Maybe this time the Fates will be kind. Maybe this time I have a real shot at happiness. Maybe...just maybe.

I hate LCC!

2008-01-16T14:58:08Z

Alright, so I have never taken online courses before in my life. However, LCC has the page setup from hell, and I have never seen a system to go down as much as theirs. WCC is so much better! I almost killed my laptop because of these assholes who dont know how to properly set up their systems! GRRR.

Anyway, I lost six pounds so far. Yay! I am going to be thinner if it kills me!

Wish me luck with my classes!

Life

2008-01-10T13:57:01Z

I am not upset with my life, or who I am. I am upset because I am not better than what I am. I want to be so much and I dont think there is enough time in this world to accomplish everything I want. We all wear so many different hats, a jack of all trades but masters of none, and I have this need to master all of them. I am going to end up putting myself into the grave I believe if I keep up at the pace that I am at. Is it possible to become the ultimate without losing who you are inside? I dont want to be the best, I just want to know I did my best to get where I want to be at the end of my life. Is it possible, or are my expectations of myself to high?

Time for me.

2008-01-07T14:33:35Z

I love days like today! Warm, gray, and breezy are just awesome! I find myself needing to do for me lately. I do for a lot of people all the time, and I think that this week is definitely all about me. I need to focus and because my next semester is next week I am going to try to find that time for me. I get so centered on a task, or topic, that I tend to put myself on the back burner. I just hope I don't get shit for it.

Quests

2008-01-04T19:57:52Z

So, as tradition with the new year I have begun a quest into the most horrifyingly, not talked about, speechless, eyes closing topic ever! DIETING! AHHHHH.

Yes, yes, run in fear from this because it is my duty, that I have put upon myself, to lose weight, become healthier, and change my way of life. I have even stopped smoking! Why, well for one I am sick of kissing my boyfriend and him making ewing noises, and two its just a bad habit that I no longer need with the list of the ones I already continue to do. (NO, not that you sick pervs...wink)

I am counting my calories, finding healthier foods, and cutting my portions. I tell you what, with the way I'm doing it, the foods not bad but it takes a hell of a long time to make my meals. Somehow I have to eat six small meals a day. I started eating three. I am working my way up there. Also, no snacking. I am doing well, but it is only day four. I am keeping positive though. I have a gym membership and I am going to be working out whenever I have the chance. Once I get my own vehicle it will be a lot more.

In closing, I don't know if any of you fine people out there have done this or have there own quest in which you have embarked upon. By I say good luck, and the gods speed!

Bye, bye holidays!

2007-12-30T14:56:17Z

So, the holidays were not as bad as I thought they would be... except for the fact that my car is a POS and I don't know if I can get her fixed, my time was well spent. No major blow ups in the family, because I dont know about all of you but every holiday in my family ends up in blood and tears. I received, and gave, a lot of great gifts. I watched my beautiful boys open up theirs and was happy to see that I had done a good job. On a personal note, this was the first holiday that I wasn't alone. I had someone to share it with, and within a space of a few days I found myself enjoying the holiday more than I have ever before. After six years of celebrating the season by myself, I was able to share it and help him experience it in a different way. I think we were both stunned by the way everything played out.

Now, when the kids go back to school, I am going to be going back to. On the internet, so to speak. I am going to get my degree if it kills me! I so need to get my transcripts from WCC! I need to do that tomorrow. I need fingers crossed here people that I am closer to my degree than I think I am. I want to work on my bachelors here soon.

P.S. Everyone keep your fingers that my car can be fixed and at a reasonable price... naw, a very low price!

nitoria @ 2007-12-13T21:34:00

2007-12-13T14:49:00Z

I have been kind of bad. I haven't posted in awhile, so that now that I have the chance I am going to. HA!

Sometime I wonder why everything happens to me the way it does. I am of the firm belief that everything happens for a reason. That no good deed goes unpunished and that the hardships in our lives make us ready for the next step into something. Whether it be good or bad depends upon the universe.

I have been told that Fate rules me. Nothing I do can change the course of where I am going to end up, and what I will have to face along the way. However, I have realized recently that under who I am is someone who is fighting the Fates. I don't want to go quietly into my life and allow what will happen to be completely out of my control, but what if the Fates know this already and have planned accordingly.

What I am trying to say is that I see who I am as much as I can, and therefore I know that where I am right now is where I am supposed to be. Who I call friends are the ones that I need, and that the love that has recently found me is supposed to be here now. I need to stop worrying about how long all this will last, where I am going to be in a year, and who will have left my life by the time I reach 27. I need to stop worrying about what kind of imapact these people, changes, and happenings will cause and just live in this moment right now and destiny be damned!

I am grateful that I have what I do, who I have and where I am. Number one it could be a lot worse, and two, I have my supporting rocks keeping me out of the bay. I am going to get wet once in awhile, but I am not going to worry about drowning. With where I am now the gods were kind and wise and kept me above the waves.